No Title.

I’ve found it difficult to write blogs this year about teaching. Our profession has been going through a period like no other. Not only are we battling with the challenges of teaching during a pandemic which was completely unpredicted and unprecedented, but we are up against negative media images – more so than usual – and often more disparaging opinions of our careers by the public.

On top of this, we have had to deal with our own personal challenges and struggles caused by lockdowns, Covid and general life. I know for me personally this has been a very hard year. From the outside, it’s been great. I got my house, my kittens and a new job back in Primary after a year exploring the world of secondary teaching. I get to do lots of things I love outside of school such a blogging, reading and baking as well as being lucky enough to have a great group of people supporting me both on and offline.

But what people can’t see if on top of my previously diagnosed anxiety, I was formally diagnosed with depression during the summer, too. I’m not writing about this for sympathy but rather to show people that they are not alone with their feelings. The pandemic has left my MH in the worst shape it has been, and over the summer it took all my energy to get myself off the sofa most days, so anything beyond this I had to mask my feelings and, in turn, felt exhausted for a day or two after.

Going into work, as you can imagine, was difficult after this. Especially starting somewhere new and unfamiliar. Now, add to this the pressures of teaching in a pandemic and the comments from the public and even, in some cases, friends or family, about ‘having 12 months off’, ‘having a break teaching online’ or even that ‘teachers have had it easy’.

I’m not saying other careers haven’t had it just as hard, or harder. The NHS have been working themselves to the bone during this time. Some people were furloughed or had no job to go to during this time. But remember, it’s all relative. Just because this was happening doesn’t mean our own experiences are invalid. Hearing that I was supposed to be enjoying this ‘easy’ (lol) time of my career and struggling made it all the harder. I have experienced panic over the last few months – year, really – about whether teaching is for me anymore. Can I hack it?

And this is where I’ve had to start thinking of ways to balance my wellbeing with work. I love my career; I’ve never wanted to do anything else. I love doing all the extra things alongside it – blogs, articles, webinars – that I am so lucky to have the opportunity to do: I often see these as my ‘down time’. But I became stuck in a negative cycle of imposter syndrome and a negative image of myself. My self-esteem – believe it or not – is low after a couple of years of constant change. One negative comment can ruin my week, never mind my day.

So, to combat this going into the new year I have decided to focus more on the positives. Each day, I write down something good which has happened in my positivity journal. I’ve started also adding in comments from people which are praise or thank yous – a reminder of how we’re viewed positively by others can be such a boost.

Alongside this, I need to become more organised by using a diary or calendar. Things I’m doing outside school often become second thoughts. I am going to write them down in a visible place to have things to look forward to. But, and importantly, I am going to schedule time to work, too. Instead of sitting on my sofa waiting to find the energy to pick up my laptop after a long day, I am going to put that time in my diary. And sit in my study!

Finally, I am going to stop feeling guilty for how I feel. I often feel as though I shouldn’t be down, or feel flat. I try and be open about my emotions – I used to be awful for bottling it up – but it’s still something I feel bad for. For not replying to messages or emails. For needing time to myself. For having to say no to things. But as we go into next year, I want to accept that this isn’t just okay, it’s normal to have times when we might feel this way.

We are under enough pressure to keep our classrooms ‘normal’ (which we all know is hard enough, without a pandemic involved!) and keep dealing with all the changes being handed to us without putting additional pressure on ourselves on top of this. I guess this blog is just about being kind to ourselves and each other. To create a support system that’s so good, public perception and media coverage doesn’t infiltrate our experience of the education system. To create a community which can ensure classrooms are as consistent as they can be for the children we teach. And to create an open forum where we make MH the norm to discuss.

Hopefully by sharing this, even one person might see they are not alone with their feelings. As always, my DMs are open if you want or need to talk 🖤

Emily x